Counseling with Children

Because all client meeting are provided via video teleconferencing or over the phone, I have found that most children have little interest to engage with this format. This is understandable. Consequently most inquiries for counseling with children result in a referral with a provider who will meet with the child in-person. In certain cases I will work only with the parents, holding the to the idea that parents might be the best therapist for their child. Of course this depends on the parent’s interest, capacity and personal state of wellbeing.

Counseling with children often involves a parental hope for behavioral changes, or are focused on loss, family transitions, divorce and trauma. Counseling with children involves significant inclusive involvement with parents. In addition individual meetings with the parents are essential for facilitate collaborative parenting and behavioral change strategies.

When working with children the goal is to create a good connection that allows children to feel safe and comfortable with the process of exploring feelings, situations of distress or concern, and planning with parents for successful resolution, accomplishment and moving forward towards change and/or healing. Again parental participation is crucial for success.

The first meeting is always with the parent(s). For the process to work, there has to be good rapport established with the parent(s) and of course eventually with the child. Sometimes all meetings are with both parents and child(ren). Sometimes there are separate meetings with the parents for coaching around behavior management at home. Sometimes there are separate meetings with the child. In such cases the parents are required to be available in case their involvement is required.

Children’s behaviors often reflect what is going on in the family or with the parents. Children are emotional and energetic sponges. They pick up on the emotions and energy in the home environment and react in a variety of ways. Sometimes the root of the child’s issue is a parent rigid perspective, attitude, expectation, and assumption about what is needed. If this is the case then will talk with the parent about the possibility of a shift in perspective, thought pattern or behavior.

Some times the children are responding to school or community emotions and energy. Some children are very tuned into or sensitive around transitioning to a new child development stage. The child’s sensitivity is often an indicator of specific gifts or strengths the child possesses and has not yet learned how to manage appropriately.

When appropriate, I give parents homework aimed at facilitating discovery or change. Some examples are, reading, writing, having conversations with others, or practicing some form of stress reduction. Completing any homework assignment is not a requirement. If the homework is not completed it means that it was not the right homework or not the right time for the homework to be assigned. Not completing the homework is always informative around what is needed and/or what works best to facilitate positive change.

Common Issues with Adolescents and Children

Please note:

Medical claims submission to insurance companies is not a part of my practice. All clients pay directly for services, and handle reimbursement from insurance companies themselves with itemized receipts provided and suitable for this process. All meetings with clients are virtual: conducted over the phone or via video-conferencing.

Parenting and Discipline

INGREDIENTS SUCCESSFUL PARENTING DISCIPLINE 

1. Staying grounded in your strength, body and soul (stay out of your head). This will allow grace 

and patience to rule the interaction, as opposed to a process of judgment, frustration, anger or rage. 

2. Communicating clearly. Checking for understanding. (This is not about giving a rational argument for being clear about your intention, your desire and your expectation. Your understanding must include a willingness to accept none compliance as an option that carries consequences. 

3. Consistent follow through in the parenting discipline plan. There are no vacations from discipline. It will create a confused understanding about your expectations within the child. 

HELPFUL PARENTING ATTITUDES 

1. Children are never wrong. Their behavior can be wrong or unacceptable or inappropriate or defiant or obnoxious. This change in judgment and attitude creates a new level of respect for the child and for the parent. This also means that the parent is never wrong. The parenting behavior or thinking can be less than adequate, mistaken, mismanaged, inappropriate or erroneous. Behavioral change on the part of a parent or a child is easy. Changing the identity of a parent or a child is a long and difficult procedure and most of the time is impossible. Changing from a bad person to a good person involves an identity change. Behavioral change can be easy. Behavioral change can be easy. 
2. Discipline is an expression of love and protection for the highly valued child. 
3. Compliance with discipline is a choice the child will learn to make. All choices have consequences. The child deserves the freedom to choose. Parents must design their discipline plan so that the child will want to make the best choices. 
4. Being “soft” or feeling guilty for taking disciplinary action is counter-productive to managing family resources (parental energy). Parents can save enormous energy by expending a little energy on discipline planning and consistent action. 
5. Sometimes disciplinary action can wait. It is unproductive to engage in disciplinary action whenever the parent is under the influence of drugs, alcohol, anger or stress (adrenaline). Anger or inebriation will impair the parent’s judgment. Both will cause similar parenting errors. 
6. “Spare the rod and spoil the child” does not mean you have an obligation to hit your child. It means that you have an obligation to extend your sense of order and to guide the child. The rod refers to the shepherd’s staff. It is a long stick that is used to extend the length of the shepherd’s arm. Shepherds don’t hit their sheep. They use their extended arm to guide the flock in a particular direction. The rod or staff is a flexible boundary that can serve to “pen” the sheep in on one side. Parents are obligated to guide children in a particular direction. Parents are not obliged to hit their children. 

Parental hitting becomes a model for hitting others and generates fear and resentment toward the parent. The fear creates a kind of emotional autonomy in the child that will leave the child to his/her own inadequate resources at times. In those crucial times, if the parent is not feared and is approachable then the child will benefit from the parent’s wisdom. Corporal punishment of hitting is a fear based discipline strategy. The fear is based in the parent (“Maybe I am not an adequate parent.”) The fear-based strategy is primitive and relies on need to feel in control by the parent. The punishment is meant to create fear in the child. This is known as child abuse. If you think of yourself as a Christian, consider a “love based” discipline strategy. The love-based strategy is under divine influence and can give way to divine control. 

The New Testament provides stories of love, forgiveness and relinquishing control. The Old Testament provides stories of genocide, murder, and all sorts of gross inhumanity to man. Why do so many Christians take direction from the Old Testament ignore Jesus Christ’s directive on the new commandment? 

“I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you also should love one another.” John 13:34 

THE FAMILY BEHAVIORAL CHANGE FORMULA 

1. Create a list of rules and expectations that both parents will agree to hold the child accountable to. 
2. Create a list of penalties for misbehavior. The smaller the penalty the easier the compliance response. The closer in time the penalty is to the misbehavior the more effective the learning process. What is at stake here is compliance. Make it easy to comply so that a habit of compliance will form in the child. Make sure that the penalty is enforced as soon after the misbehavior as possible. For example, “You know that pushing your sister is against the rules. You have 10 minutes to wipe off the kitchen table.” 
3. Create a list of privileges that your child receives as a result of being blessed to be your child. This list is your leverage. This list is used to gain compliance and provides a choice for non-compliance. For example, “You have 10 minutes to wipe off the kitchen table, You know that pushing your sister is against the rules., and if you do not do that within the 10 minutes allotted, then you will not be allowed to go-on-line this evening. 
4. Announce, discuss and post the lists. Revise them as the child grows. Maintain ongoing dialogue with the other parent about what works and what does not work. Be open to input from the child. 

PITFALLS: 

1. Only one parent in the household is willing to work on a disciplinary plan. Parents must function as a team. Some parents need help with communication between themselves before they can be successful in a coordinated parenting plan. 

2. Parents feel that keeping the peace is more important than taking consistent action. 

3. Parents engage in a struggle with a child and do not hold their authority. Parents do not stay grounded in their body and lose their emotional balance and lose their temper and then lose the respect of the child. 

SOLUTIONS FOR COMPLICATED PARENTING SITUATIONS 

COACHING THE PARENTS. Parents are often the best coaches and counselors for their children. I coach parents to fine-tune their individual and collective efforts to create effective parenting interactions and enhance the parenting team, thereby enabling successful parenting discipline strategies. Depending on the family and circumstances, this process can take between 1 and 6 meetings. 

pjscoglio@gmail.com 978-578-1525